Arriving and Returning to Awakened Life
Advent is known as the season of arrival, but for me, especially this year, it’s also one of returning.
I can’t remember much from the last three years, let alone the last three Advents. On some days, my last memory is Thanksgiving dinner 2019. Looking across the table, I realized that my dad was declining far more rapidly than he let on. From there, things blur. I spent the next thousand days caring for him, then my mom, and finally my brother. I juggled being a full-time caregiver with a full-time job, and the longer it went, the more pain I accumulated in my body, heart, and mind. Life devolved into something senseless and overwhelming. Any coping tools I had developed over the years failed and my faith in God dimmed. It wasn't before I was a shell of a man resorting to the things St. Paul warns us of today (anger, envy, drunkenness, lust, etc.) to numb the agony.
This anesthetized life continued until while at a social event recently, I could no longer recognize who I had become. All that seemed to be left was a haphazard scattering of empty words and disingenuous actions. In the days that followed, a sobering alarm went off that finally led me to heed St. Paul's call to “wake up”. This was step one. It was not enough to just acknowledge it though, I also needed to do something about it. In today’s reading, St. Paul goes on to tell us “throw off everything that belongs to the darkness and equip yourselves for the light”. Step two; in response, I ditched the toxic coping mechanisms and started bringing a gentle acceptance to what was happening and the heavy toll it was taking on my life. The way ahead will not be easy or quick. There are no clear next moves with the gospel simply saying, "stay awake". Step three; I pray for deeper acceptance of this and trust in God.
A new day rises — a new Advent begins. May we greet both by listening to God's tender invitation to arrive or return to who we really are.
See the Lord and let yourself be found. - St. Gregory of Nyssa
What am I carrying into this Advent?
How is Jesus inviting me to entrust it to Him?
Albert Wolff