I See You
“Nathanael said to him, 'How do you know me?' Jesus answered and said to him, 'Before Philip called you, I saw you under the fig tree.'” – Jn 1:48
In Season 2, Episode 2 of The Chosen, a TV show about the life of Jesus and his followers, Nathanael sits under a fig tree with a stack of failed dreams in his hands—plans for a synagogue he’ll never get to build. He turns his gaze to the radiant sky and directs a broken-hearted prayer to heaven. But even as he recites words of faith, the tears streaming down his face as he burns the designs say what he’s truly thinking, what he’s feeling:
“This was done for you…Do you see me?”
Recently some friends and I were talking about our genuine desires to serve God and others and the difficulties that come up in the process. A couple of the challenges each of us resonated with are not always knowing how best to serve, or wondering if God hears our deeper desires to serve, whether through marriage, the single life for service, or religious life. Some of us feel deep callings to serve in particular ways, and we “do things for God” in response, but it doesn’t always turn out the way we hoped.
One friend shared how they feel called to serve through marriage and raise a faith-filled family. It’s been many years now, and this friend struggles with a broken heart of an unfulfilled dream. They’re asking God, at times in anger and sometimes with sadness and longing, “Do you see me? I’m doing everything I can to serve you. Why won’t you make this work?”
As we held one another in our respective longings, we noticed a slow shift. In expressing our genuine desires with one another in honest and vulnerable ways, we sensed our even deeper desire for relationship with God emerging. We acknowledged—some of us through tears—our longing to know in our hearts the truth of our belovedness, our first identity, and that we’re not alone.
At the end of our time together, my friend surprised us by expressing their gratitude to the group because they felt truly “seen” by God through our honest sharing and compassionate listening. This affirmation of God’s presence was a balm for their soul and food for the journey. All of us felt more encouraged to take small steps forward in greater trust in our relationship with God in the midst of these real struggles.
I believe we glimpsed the grace of what Nathanael experienced when he first meets Jesus in today’s gospel, as portrayed in The Chosen. Jesus comforts Nathanael: “When you were in your lowest moment, and you were alone, I did not turn my face from you. I saw you under the fig tree.”
How do I feel seen, or struggle to be seen, in my relationships with myself, others, and God? How might I take one small step forward in expressing my genuine desires honestly and vulnerably with God? Lord, help me make space in my heart to receive your loving gaze.
David Romero, SJ