BECOME ALL FLAME
“Your pandemic never ended…”
This was my therapist’s sullen response to my review of the last four years. I cared for my dad until his passing, and then immediately shifted to my declining mom and struggling brother (who has special needs) – all while trying to repair their house, stabilize them financially, and hold down a demanding job. With each month that passed, more of me was consumed by the darkness. Determination became tears became anger until finally only numbness remained. By late 2022, the thin veil of “it’s been difficult but I’m okay” was in tatters as I staggered toward a precipice.
In the winter months of 2022 into 2023, I began to reorient myself by leaning more into my faith. It was then that I was reacquainted with the Saint who the Church honors today. St. John of the Cross, the 17th century Carmelite mystic and reformer, was famously imprisoned and tortured, but from that darkness, wrote strikingly beautiful poetry and theology. In him, I sensed a kindred spirit, and a patron saint for those like me who felt and thought deeply, knew heartbreak and hardship, and were weary travelers of those seemingly hopeless nights of life.
During this Advent, I’ve thought often about an analogy St. John used to describe transformation. It’s like tossing a damp log into a fire. First, it smokes and hisses, and then once purified of moisture, pops violently as it’s purged of other impurities. Only through this process can the log become with the flame and give the literal warmth and light of life. St. John says that we are the log, full of ego, fear, worldly distractions, and a lifetime of accumulated hurts. Initially, we resist letting go of these things, but the more we patiently trust the fire (God’s love), the more darkness yields to a slowly growing light.
My situation hasn’t changed much, and the challenges and demands remain formidable. I still smoke, hiss, and pop from time to time, but those days are slowly becoming fewer. True transformation takes time, and for us Christians, a daring trust in God as well. May we remain patient with our struggles, offering them to God, so that like a log into a fire, we too may be transformed into light and love.
Albert Wolff