LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE
“Let me see you, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and you are lovely” (Sg 2:14).
Throughout this pandemic, I have tried to be consistent in my prayer life, but there are times when I don’t feel anything really, or I feel like the words that come up in my heart, spoken by a tiny whispering voice, are the same words I hear over and over. I get discouraged and fall out of a prayer rhythm. Then I feel desolate, and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of discomfort and avoidance. I’ve learned that desolation can come for three main reasons: as a result of spiritual laziness, to humble us, and/or to carve out our hearts to become even more capacious.
In the reading from Song of Songs, I desire to sense God as my Lover “peering through the lattices”, to hear his voice speaking “my beloved, my dove, my beautiful one”. I try to imagine sitting with Jesus holding me, my head leaning against his shoulder, I hear his voice saying, “let’s just sit like this for a while”... it feels real yet far off. I feel restless in simply being still with God, but I’m trying to let go of the outcome. Perhaps prayer isn’t about what I make of it or what I seek to get out of it.
The most palpable experiences I have lately of deep desire and a stirring of my affect, have been with my boyfriend and with music. My boyfriend holds me and listens, he tells me he loves me, we laugh together, and he brings me tremendous joy. Yet no person can fill the space in my heart that is for God alone. Still, I sense God inviting me to notice the feelings that come up when I am with him. To practice felt gratitude for the blessing of his companionship and continue to let it remind me of God’s even greater love. Perhaps, this is part of the stretching of my heart, to be capable of deeper love, in my longing for God above all loves.
In Psalm 33, the words “sing to Him a new song” comfort and challenge me. As a singer-songwriter, this pandemic has halted my career and industry in many respects, though I have still found inspiration to write new songs, to keep recording music, and even performing virtually. I sense God’s encouragement - “let me see you, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet” (Sg 2) - to keep singing, to keep writing, to keep believing that “what was spoken to me by the Lord will be fulfilled” (Lk 1). I wouldn’t be pursuing a career as a musician if I hadn’t first felt deeply drawn and called to it by the Lord and I don’t know exactly what will come from it, but I am trying to continue to hope in what God wants to fulfill through it by reflecting back on all that God has already brought to fulfillment in it.
Perhaps as much as I want to hear the Lord’s voice, He longs to hear mine.
A couple songs are in my heart as I reflect on these readings: “All Will Be Well” and “How Can I Keep From Singing”.
What do you notice arising in your heart as you listen to these songs?
In reading “let me see you, let me hear your voice”, what might you feel invited to share with the Lord? What might the Lord want to reveal or speak to you?
Jessica Gerhardt
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