STAYING THE COURSE
I shall live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. - Psalm 23
As I watch and listen to how my young godson waits in anticipation for the gifts he will receive at Christmas, I wonder how do I wait in hope for God’s response to me and to this imperfect world?
Leaning into the discomforts of my life is not where I want to be. I want things to be easy, the answers to be given to me, and be assured that when I step out into this world all things will fall into place. AND, it is in choosing to stay the course of where I believe God is calling me to be, the discomfort, the waiting, and the unknown of being with God that is the only way I will grow, transform, and change. This is like a seed planted in the dark and messy ground, somehow stays the course of growing/transforming, and if called to be, emerges as a plant to see the light of day.
Words have been the cause of much of my frustration over my lifetime. Words are frustrating because how I relate to them and how they are used in the context of my family, my friends, my teachers, etc., continues to mean different things connotatively. Getting to the heart of what words mean to each person is a long and arduous path. Words are just symbols and yet, they have the power to start a war between countries, faith, politics, families, friendships, etc. Just look at the news. Words are simple when you look at their short definitions in the dictionary. Words are not so simple when we look at it through the lens of people’s experience, values, and beliefs around the world.
This past year, I leaned into the discomfort of painful words more than ever. Words that set off a war within me because of how I related to them. When a triggering word comes up and aggravates my being, I tend to leave it there, allow it to fester, and let it have the final say as I run off to nurse my past wounds through my own coping mechanisms. As I begin to name my feelings and thoughts around the word, to allow God to be with me and the word, to see the incremental changes in my relationship with God and the word, and to see the hope that God provides in life in each and every moment. I know that a part of me only wants to be labeled with the “good” words and I want to see myself only as the “good” words. Just like kids want to be on Santa’s “good” list. These days, I am learning that I can be all the words that people use, I can present them to God, and if the word was meant to be, God will transform me with this word, as I stay the course with God.
God’s invitation to me this year was to sit with the words that set me off, to remember how words are unable to convey everything the person is thinking, and to remind me how words can set me free. Staying the course of where God calls me to be is uncomfortable, uneasy, and undeniably, grace-filled. I am learning how to honor who God calls me to be with all of my emotions, hurts, and pains, raise them up to God as an offering, and allow God to be God. When I can accurately name my emotion in the hurt and pain, God sets me free. What comes to fruition at this point is hopefully God’s will.
How do you find yourself waiting in anticipation of God’s response?
Tram Nguyen