REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY
“On this mountain [God] will destroy the veil that veils all peoples” - Isaiah 25: 6-10a
Here we are again, as we enter into the liturgical calendar of the Advent season. Perhaps there will be people who enter this Advent season for the first time…welcome. I, myself, will enter into this Advent season again and yet, it seems a little less familiar than years past. This year has me pondering the question, “What is placed on repeat in my spiritual life?”
Last month, I rediscovered one of the most difficult parts about myself that never healed. I repeatedly felt a deep anger. I often find myself trying to work through things or deal with things on my own terms. Things that are part of my spiritual self that I am ashamed of for not having the answers to or times where I ask those repeated questions, “Am I good enough?”, “What am I doing with my life?”, “Who do I think I am?”, etc. These are the areas that I fail to let people in and especially, I fail to let God in. These spiritual areas of myself get infected, and creates what I call, spiritual pus.
Last month, my deep-rooted anger was dormant, then sprouted uncontrollably when conditions were favorable, and bloomed into spiritual pus. I was having a conversation with my good friend, on a topic that would be labeled as pleasant. A topic that began as non-threatening turned into unexpected wild fire rage within a few seconds. My anger stemmed from being unable to find my words in order to speak up. When I am in this state of rage, I am instantly raising my voice, my blood pressure is going up, my face is turning red, and I begin slamming things. This is when I usually decide to physically walk away from the person and the conversation. In the past, my good friend has been through this with me and she has asked me not to walk away. However, whenever I’ve tried to stay in the conversation, I believe the conversation turns out much worse and I end up hurting her emotionally.
This time though, she remained calm as much as possible and found ways to keep me in the conversation. Not only once, but three times I wanted to walk away. On the third time, when I managed to get another moment of composure, the questions that streamed through my mind are, “Can’t you see that I am furious?” “Can’t you see that I am going to hurt you with my words and actions?” “Do I remember to invite God into all things?” “God, are you here with me?” “I can see that I am angry, what is happening to me this time that feels different?” And then a gentle nudging came to me as if to say, “Stay”. So, I stayed in the conversation and allowed my anger to surface while watching myself let go of the desire to control my internal anger. Amazingly, at the end of our conversation, I did a quick reflection and immediately, I thanked God silently and I thanked my good friend in words and a hug even as she still had tears on her face. An area of my spiritual self was infected by my own thoughts, insecurities, desires, wants, and desperation which was then cut opened and exposed to the open air. The soothing and healing balm of God’s grace flooded the infected parts of my spirit that needed healing. Even though this anger is on repeat, I can see now that it is a place for God’s grace. Even though many of us are going through Advent on repeat, we can find new ways to have hope. Never could I imagine God’s grace reaching into the depths of my soul where I thought were hopeless. Never could I imagine that that anger could become a dwelling place for God to work with me.
Advent is a reminder to invite God to be born again within each of us. How do you find the gentle nudge of calm in the storms of the life?
Tram Nguyen