Driving the 134 headed towards work one morning, the song “I Want to Know What Love Is” came up on my playlist. Being a child of the 80s, I have listened to this song numerous times. We were bombarded with it during high school dances and Top 40 music stations, but have you ever listened to the words?
To the untrained ear, the lyrics are romantic and pleading, marking the desperation of the singer to some unknown object of affection. They are somewhat heartbreaking, especially when sung against the backdrop of a full-blown choir.
That morning, I heard a different voice. Yes, I was singing along, but before I knew it, this song had become a powerful prayer. I was imploring God to show me what Love is, and I wanted Him to show me.
This was a pronounced departure from my previous request that love in human form be brought to my life. I still want that; I think I am ready for that, despite previous attempts at a healthy relationship; and I wait patiently for that.
The relationship I have with God and my Divine Team has been the most significant in the last two years. This is a mindful and intentional choice. I can offer excuses such as being busy with work and other commitments, but the genuine truth is that I recognize the need to work on myself.
I am secretly envious of those who find love, who do the work to remain in that love, who choose love. I have never had that desire or resilience, and for years, I attributed it to one of my many defects.
As the years go by, though, I recognize many things. For one, I have been blessed with good men who have taught me such rich lessons that I need to address within myself. Second, when a relationship ends, it does not mean anything other than my time with that person has been completed. Third, I am not defective when it comes to love.
Recently, I met a man. The connection was palpable, a connection that was unique to any I have ever had. It was intense, and I was not prepared for it. It was not a physical connection but a soulful connection, and when it completed, I existed in a state of melancholy.
I pray through the sadness, through the self-directed anger, through the loss of a kind, generous, deep man. I pray to see God’s hand in this, even when the hand that ended it was mine. I pray to be forgiven by this man, to heal wounds from my past, and to understand what it was I had to learn by his presence in my life.
This man has gone, but the love I feel for him remains. He is worthy of reciprocal love, a love far greater than I am capable of at this time. I continue to wish him peace, love, and light. I hope that my presence in his life has been a time of learning and love, and he remembers me fondly as I do with him.
What I yearn for is genuine Love, a Love like no other. I am beginning to believe that until I am honest with myself, until I accept my self-worth, I am living under a veil that prevents me from seeing genuine Love.
All the hurts from my relationships I have been through were not punishment, rather consequences of my behavior. All the mistakes I have made that I blamed on my childhood or my parents were not made because I was a "bad" person, but because I am maturing. All the lessons I learned have been Divinely designed for my journey.
There are days when self-doubt and anxiety are my constant companions. The illusion is that I am not enough, not worthy, not worthy enough. I feel there is nothing I can do; no prayer, however urgent, is sufficient; no amount of tears or feelings of despair pacify me. In those moments, all I can do is to surrender to God. I am compelled to turn it over to him.
I have learned that when I am in the state of emotional distress, it is because I am separating from God's sacred Love. I forget that God's Love is complete and abundant. Most of all, it is forgiving and merciful. I am called to love like that. While I may not attain that level of love, I am tasked to love like that.
Nothing in God’s world is a mistake. So, I whisper to You, Father, “I want to know what Love is. I want You to show me. I want to feel what Love is. I know You can show me.”
Maria Padua
For a quick trip to the past, please click on the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raNGeq3_DtM
Photo Credit: Maria Padua, 2016