THE BASEMENT OF OUR HEARTS
When I was training to become a crisis counselor on the suicide hotline a few years ago, the first training session was focused solely on “staying in the dark place”: the place in a person’s heart that is dark, scary, and empty yet is filled with anger, grief and fear - the part of them where they hear and listen to that little voice that says “I want all this to end.” It is the basement of our hearts, where our ‘skeletons in the closet’ like to hide, our unacknowledged hurts have hardened over time and all the feelings we’ve ‘swept under the rug’ have collected in piles of debris that seem impossible to sort through.
In today’s Gospel, Mary Magdalene was by the door of her dark place: consumed with grief of her savior’s death and the confusion of his missing body, she wept and languished by his tomb. She healthily wept and cried, and allowed herself to become familiar and feel through these intense and difficult emotions. However, it seems they may have consumed her to a degree that she was unable to recognize the presence of the risen Lord before her. She was surrounded by her “dark place”, and it was not until Jesus called her by name, that she saw the light cut through her darkness.
Being present to and sitting in this dark place is a near impossible task to do alone. I have been a Mary Magdelene, soaked in my darkness. I have been consumed by my obsessive thoughts rooted in anxious desire, by my past hurts that I did not know I needed to forgive and by my fears that were at the heart of all the decisions I made. And it was through the light of Jesus that shone through the lanterns of my spiritual directors, therapists, supportive family, and honest friends that allowed me to face my dark place and believe “It’s messy in here, but it’s not bad.”
However, Jesus doesn’t end there - he calls us each by name. He says to our hearts, “It’s messy in here, but it’s very good.” He knocks on the doors of all our basements and says, “I want to give you new life in the light of my resurrection.” Are we ready to say ‘yes’ and let him in? To get up from our darkness, shame, grief, and anger and embrace him? To exclaim “Rabbouni!” and let him teach our hearts a way to live and love?
If so, pray with me.
Father God, thank you so much for the gift of me (then say your name) and my life, and for the resurrection of your Son that teaches a new way to live. I offer my whole self to you, especially my dark place, the basement of my heart, that remains mysterious and dangerous to me. I ask you to shine your light, love and presence in this sacred space and to renew it in the image of Your Son. Help me to see me as You see me and so to love as you do. We ask this in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, our friend, our confidant, our savior. Amen.
Liz Tapang