FINDING HOPE
"Jesus said to him, “You may go; your son will live.” The man believed what Jesus said to him and left" Jn. 4:50
I’ve been literally and figuratively struggling to breathe. I have a condition where the lining of my lungs gets inflamed. When my meds are working, I feel almost normal. Breathing is a chore but like washing dishes, I learned to live with it. When the meds don’t work, every breath feels like I’m pushing boulders coupled with sharp piercing pain.
For the past six months, I’ve been struggling. The meds stopped working. Some days I don’t bother to get up. It hurts too much. I’ve burst into tears walking because every step felt like torture. Instead of turning to God, I turned to fear. I lost hope. I lost faith in Him. Instead of embracing my support system, I pushed people further away. I didn’t want anyone to see what I perceived as weaknesses. I failed myself and didn’t want to be a burden on anyone else.
There were days when the need for community and spirituality overcome my fears, but I still couldn’t get myself to join the live mass. I’ve always been the person who read the ending of a story to make sure it wraps up well before I can fully engulf the book. It was hard to put effort into social settings during times of uncertainties when the ending seemed bleak.
But God never gives up, does he? On one of the most painful days, I turned to God and asked Him to heal me like the father in today’s gospel asking Jesus to heal his son. And just as I was about to throw my arms up and give in to my worst fears, a trial med started working. The clouds parted, and a ray of sunshine peeked through. Breathing was so normal I forgot I was inhaling. With every breath, I found hope that this will be the new normal.
Lord Jesus Christ, comfort me in my suffering. May your healing hands rest upon me, and may I put my whole trust in you.
Kath Tran