You Are Who You Say You Are
"Be merciful, just as your God is merciful.” - Lk 6:36
This Lenten season, I’m finding it very difficult to keep up with my lenten promises. I usually start very hopeful and write down everything that I want to do for the next 40 days. It’s only been a little over a week, yet I feel like I have already failed at all I should have done. I noticed that when things get hard, it’s really easy to fall back on my unhealthy habits of shame and feeling never good enough. The high expectations and constant “shoulding” all over myself lead me to fall inward that it just feels easier to give up.
Today’s gospel is a simple reminder for us, and I saw myself telling God that I already try to be merciful, non-judgmental, and forgiving to others as He does, yet I still feel judged, condemned, and unforgiven. The more I think about it, the more I see that all that judgment really stems from me. I don’t know why I give so much of myself to others yet I rarely give my own well-being and heart the same amount of love.
Then I realize that as I’m in that dark space, it just gives more fuel for the evil spirit to tempt me into believing I am a failure and nothing but a sinner. It wants nothing more than to take us away from God. To focus on sin and not on the fact that He already forgives them. To focus on shaming and “shoulding” ourselves and not on the fact that He already sees us as perfect and beloved despite our shortcomings. Being in the desert is not meant to be easy. I don’t understand it, but I do know that I can’t fully give to others without giving to myself first.
So as I reread the gospel, I found myself changing a couple words. It was like God was trying to help me understand the measure of His abundant love and mercy:
Be merciful (to yourself), just as your Father is merciful (to you).
Stop judging (yourself) and you will not be judged.
Stop condemning (yourself) and you will not be condemned.
Forgive (yourself because you have already been forgiven).
Give to (yourself because gifts will be and have been given to you).
A good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing will be (and have been poured) into your lap.
For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you.
If I can see the love of God in others, I can find His love in me even when I don’t understand it yet. It starts with the acceptance of my own belovedness. We are not alone in the desert. It’s a journey and it’s not easy, but if we can keep our eyes on Him, he will show us His immense and overflowing love for each and every one of us. I’ve been listening to a song called “Still God” by Anna Golden a lot, and through tears I am reminded He is still God when it’s hard, when I don’t understand, and when nothing else makes sense. He is really who He says He is.
Who is God telling you He is this Lent?
Natalie To