THE RIVER OF SURRENDER
“Send forth your light and your fidelity; they shall lead me on...” Psalm 43:3a
A few years ago I was in a long-term relationship with my partner at the time: a thoughtful man whom I started dating in college, and we naturally fell into a comfortable yet complacent rhythm. Sunken cost fallacy had crept in, and I told myself, “It’s been 7 years, we need to see this through to the end - marry, kids, etc.” Near the end of the relationship, I was starting my courtship with an authentic relationship with God, and while I stayed with my partner for many good reasons such as our deep friendship and mutual support for our dreams, I had stayed for many self-centered reasons such as convenience and my fear of being alone.
Doubts started to creep in and so did denial. I surrendered both to God, simply praying “You take care of it”. The day of the break-up, which was unplanned, I went to confession that morning and the priest had suggested, “Well, maybe this isn’t the man for you.” Denied. Sorry Father, not possible. And, later that evening, as I was sharing my relationship concerns with a trusted girlfriend, she simply asked me, “Is this the relationship you really want, Liz?” Denied. Sorry, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I finally confided with my partner immediately after that conversation, and only then did it dawn on me: he deserved to be more than someone’s “good enough”.
The days, weeks, and months after the breakup, I coped with heartbreak and immense guilt. I identified as Naaman in today’s first reading, angry that the “prophets” in my life, my pastor and this friend, delivered the news I needed to hear but didn’t want to hear. I came seeking comfort and validation, but rather they delivered truth and discernment. And it was the roommates and childhood friends in my life that were the servants, urging me to slow down, wash myself in the river, and take my time before rushing back in either with my ex-partner or the dating scene to cope with my loneliness.
It’s been 4 years since the end of that relationship, and in the last year, I have been blessed with a new one: one with much love and few doubts. I continue to wash myself in the metaphorical river of God’s healing and mercy: washing away my fears of abandonment and satiating my thirst to be loved unconditionally - and knowing a human relationship may reflect this love, but never fully satisfy it. And with every new challenge I encounter, any desire left unsatisfied, and any fear activated, I do the same thing as I did when I had those relationship doubts many years ago: I surrender them to Him.
Lord Jesus, give us the grace to truly surrender all to you: our fears, our desires, our relationships, our circumstances, and our burdens. Let your will be done, and show your goodness and abundance, so that we may glorify you in confidence: “Now I know that there is no God in all the earth, except in Israel.” - 1 Kings 5:15
Liz Tapang
Photo credit: Marc Zimmer via Unsplash