Following Esther’s Example
"Then she prayed to the Lord, the God of Israel, saying: ‘My Lord, you alone are our King. Help me, who am alone and have no help but you’" - Esth. C:14
I always like to joke that I came out three times to my family: first, as an artist, which shocked my Asian parents; second, as a Catholic, which devastated my deeply Protestant siblings; and third, as gay, which was probably the hardest for them to accept.
Each time was never easy, but the last was the most painful. I knew how much it would hurt my family, but at the same time, I knew I had to do it. I remember right before I did it, sitting in mass one Sunday, squeezing my eyes shut and praying as hard as I could, asking God to take this cup from me. Of course the cup didn’t go away, so, much like Esther, I sighed and prayed: “Help me God, who am alone and have no help but you, for I am taking my life in my hand.”
When I finally came out to my family, it definitely wasn’t butterflies and rainbows. To say I went through hell and back would be an understatement, but the Lord didn’t abandon me. Out of the depths, I called to You (Ps 130), and You heard me. He gave me the strength to endure one of the most traumatic moments of my life and didn’t leave me an orphan.
Over the years, I’ve met people who have strengthened my faith in God and myself, showing me what it truly means to be loved and accepted for who I am. They’ve helped me see my identity as a source of grace and hope, not shame. The Lord has always provided, never giving me a stone when I asked for bread or a snake when I asked for fish. He never ceases to surprise me with His grace and generosity. All I have to do is ask and, like Esther, acknowledge my weakness.
I once heard someone say I would probably connect a lot with Esther. At the time, I was puzzled, but now I think I understand. Every queer person of faith can likely find something of themselves in her, a person who hid their identity to protect the ones they loved, only to reveal it after throwing themselves before God.
You don't have to be a certain sexual orientation of course to relate to this queen. We all have had moments when, in the pits of despair, we cry out to God. Especially in this time of Lent, how often have we been like Esther, gathering our courage before our compassionate Father and saying, “Lord help. I don’t know what to do. But You do. So help me.”
“Lord help. I don’t know what to do. But You do. So help me.”
Darren Huang