RETURNING, AS I AM
The word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time – Jonah 3:1
Just last week I was chatting with a new friend who had converted to Catholicism a few years ago. When I asked them what caused them to become a Catholic after having grown up a non-denominational Christian their whole lives, they responded – “You know when you go to mass and you see people unhappy, some distracted, and some fully engaged?” I don’t know where this is going, I thought, but replied “yes”. They said, “That is what I love about being a Catholic, I can show up just as I am no matter what. I don’t have to stay home if I’m in a bad place and can’t put on a happy face at church.” This little exchange has been sticking with me lately as I find myself not meeting “the standards” for what a faithful person looks like. Or at least what I think they look like. I’ve been disappointed by my less than stellar discipline during this first week of Lent. I also frequently find myself distracted and not motivated to discuss my faith life. Instead, my current journey is a quiet one with God. One where you go on a walk together and nothing is said either because there is nothing to say or one or both parties aren’t ready to talk. However, today’s verse before the Gospel struck me: “Even now, says the LORD, return to me with your whole heart for I am gracious and merciful.” This encouragement reminds me that God’s arms are always open wherever I am. I don’t have to wait until I can smile and embrace God to be with Him. Perhaps He isn’t looking for perfection from me, but rather He is just looking or waiting for me as I am. Despite my own judgments about how I am doing, today’s readings, though seemingly harsh, reflect to me second chances. They remind me that God IS gracious and merciful. He will return to me a second time. Perhaps all He is asking of me is to show up.
Do I believe that God accepts and loves me as I am? Do I love myself as I am?
Joan Ervin