Still Not Ready
“You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?” ― Mt 20:22
“Mrs. Nguyen, will you marry me?” a three-year-old child asked. “Hmmm, if I marry you, what will I do with my husband?” “You kick him out the door.” the girl said excitedly without hesitation. “Where would he live?” The child cast down her eyes as she shrugged her shoulders. Guilt was written all over her face now. We have been talking about kindness in class. I suspected that my questions brought her to recognize her unkind thoughts.
The child felt great affection and wanted a closer relationship with me. She was following her desire without really understanding what it is that she asked for, nor did she think of the consequences that would follow. She only knew that she “loved” and wanted to follow that love.
Like the little girl, I’ve been asking God for over ten years now — to love as Jesus has loved me.
Since my request, I’ve made great progress. I used to think that everything about me was unlovable. Now I have learned to “like”, to embrace, and to forgive myself. I’ve grown in loving God and others.
It seems, however, that the development I’ve made wasn’t enough. Jesus kept challenging me to give more, to grow deeper in love, to surrender completely. I found myself unwilling to grow more intimately in love with Him and with others. The thought of giving myself totally to love frightens me. I want to move on with my journey and not look back. Every time I go back to that dark period of my life, it hurts too much.
In recent reflections, I also discovered that some of my fears come from not knowing how to break free from old habits and to change my perceptions on matters that stem from my childhood experiences.
Today’s Gospel invites me to revisit my desire to love as Jesus has loved me. I asked myself if I would be willing to sip from the cup of pain that Jesus once drank with and for me. Am I willing to travel down that road once again with Him to untie the knots that hold me back from loving more deeply? I find myself hesitating. I’m still not ready.
I hear Jesus say, “I Am here. Whenever you’re ready, we will drink this cup together again.”
Thank you, Jesus, for being kind and patient with me. Like the little girl, I want to love more intimately. Teach me to be more gentle with myself, to trust, and to allow you to guide me down the path that will lead me closer to You and to others.
Maddie