HAVE MERCY ON ME, O GOD, IN YOUR GOODNESS
Sharing my thoughts, both verbally and in writing, with ‘others’ has always been tough for me to do due to social anxiety and the anticipation of the vulnerability hangover once these thoughts leave the privacy and comfort of my mind. It viscerally feels like the fear of “being seen.” When 3 or more are gathered around me, I truly get nervous as heck - especially if I have to communicate verbally/via writing. So as I read Psalm 51:3: “A heart contrite and humbled, O God, You will not spurn.”, the first visceral reaction I feel is: (in a VERY Chris Farley-esque way): “Holy Schnikes!!
I shouldn’t have cheated on all those vocabulary tests (at that Jesuit high school I went to in San Jose in the mid-90’s)! I have no idea what the heck any of those words mean!”
As I point with my index finger to this Psalm (in dismay) which ultimately has the potential to be consoling, I can’t help but notice the 3 fingers that point back to me, each coming at me with another negative comment of their own:
middle finger: “You should have tried harder back then on those vocabulary tests, you could be reading this TONS more easily.”
ring finger: “I don’t think the other folks have this type of a problem writing a short reflection.”
pinky finger: “Well, who the hell did you think you were signing up for writing this reflection - if you’re going to be like that!”
The negative self-talk could go on for days and it is cognitively and physically exhausting. I realize, the focus is no longer God, rather, me. Soon, a few days have already passed and I still haven’t been able to come up with a Lenten Reflection. I then start to feel pretty crappy about my overall self-image as a human being. It’s a crazy downward spiral that places me at a worse place than when I first started wanting to write this reflection; it has been my life’s pattern of self-sabotage for over 4 decades. It hinders my potential to realize my ‘original goodness’ as God said, several times in Gen 1 (“it is good… it is VERY good”) rather than wallow in the falseness of this perceived ‘original sin’ that occupies my thoughts. Through therapy, a healthier practice of my faith, and surrounding myself with spiritual allies, I’m starting to learn how to start to peel the superficial layers so that I can continually reveal to myself, the truth of who I truly am - a beloved child of God.
Besides, in getting ‘stuck’ on the passage above, I miss the importance of the next sentence:
A heart contrite and humbled, O God, You will not spurn. Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
And I return to Lent - with a focus on the merciful God, whose Passion we celebrate and share with, this season.
Lord, how can I be more aware of your mercy and goodness today?
Randy Naku