YOU ARE HERE WITH ME ALWAYS
I’ve long identified with the Prodigal Son’s older and more responsible brother. He stayed with his father and worked long hours while the younger brother took off to party. I am also the older sibling, and from good grades to a career in health care, I did what was expected, rarely rebelling against my parents.
My parents were immigrants from Southeast Asia and very conservative Catholics. They were generous with material goods but not emotion or time. It felt that they loved out of obligation. My Father, a physician, went to the hospital seven days a week, including holidays. My mother, a stay-at-home mom, always complained about how busy she was, and her anxiety made her reactive. “What’s wrong with you?” was often yelled. I came to believe that love must be earned, pleasing was love, and boundaries were neglect.
Clearly, that is unsustainable. So I sought alternatives that said the opposite--numerous retreats, books, and relationships that taught about a non-negotiable love. Years ago, I was discussing with my spiritual director ways I can move closer to God. She responded, “Did you ever consider God is working to become closer to you?” At the time it was a strange concept because of my upbringing.
In my healing however, I’ve learned that the intent of a consistent, spiritual practice isn’t to earn points toward heaven, but to remind us about God’s unconditional love. When the Responsible Brother and I were too busy trying to please and earn love (or approval mistaken for love), we can miss that our loving Father is already with us and isn’t going anywhere. And perhaps easier said than done, what we have to do is accept it.
Loving Creator,
No matter my successes or failures,
What others think of me,
Or what I have or lack,
May I always know that I am worthy and your beloved.
Amen.
Susan Liem
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