HOPE
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose hope is the LORD.” - Jer. 17:7
When I think of who and what I put my hopes and trust in, I often wish my answer is God. More often than not, I find myself distracted by so many people and things that sometimes I forget that I am going towards the path of disappointment. I was in a spiritually dry place at the end of last year. I felt like I was walking in the desert. There was endless silence, not knowing what direction to go, and everywhere I looked left me feeling more lost than before. I doubted everything because I didn’t know if the path I was on was one that God wanted me to be on. It was a time where I nearly lost all hope I had left. The only sliver of hope I had left is that I held tightly onto God and held onto the hope that God would provide, and I just needed to trust Him and trust myself and to be patient.
At the end of last year, I decided to sign up for the silent retreat. It was one thing that kept me from breaking down completely, a sliver of hope where I thought I could finally escape the desert. After I had signed up and sent in my check, there was a moment for around a week that I could not attend the retreat because it was filled. I remember feeling devastated at first; I was thinking that God did not want me to attend and that I was going to be stuck in the desert forever. After I calmed down later that day, I was at peace and understood that maybe I had not finished my time in the desert. Two weeks later, I was able to secure a spot to attend the silent retreat, and I could not have been more excited that I was going to finally have a chance to come out of the desert. Going on the silent retreat at the beginning of the year could not have been more perfect for me, especially with all of the things that had happened the end of last year. I had so much hope in the retreat that I remember telling myself not to set expectations even though I hoped that God would provide me with everything I wanted to know, needed to know, and so much more. The theme alone was befriending fear and embracing hope; I remember almost crying out because that was exactly what I needed during that time. During the retreat, I could finally understand what my time in the desert was about: testing the limits of my hope, my fears, my mistrust, and my love of self. It was only then where my hope arose from the ember, by placing my hope in God and moving past my doubts, anxieties and fears about the future.
Amy Lee